Begins With "R" And Ends With "D"

Over the years, I have been subjected to so many seemingly-benign but profoundly moronic conversations. I couldnt help but wonder "i am not that fun of a person to talk with unless you can handle my being-sarcastic-with-a-vengeance personality, so why would these people in their right mind would want to prolong the time standing in front of me while being unmercifully victim of my interrogation style approach?" may be they just cant get enough! here is one recent example:

Ideal dialogue:

Lady Macbeth: Good day, most noble lord, you know I cant keep my hands off you, but time is limited so i have to make this short. I think Lady macduff tried to reach you yesterday but your office was closed so she called me instead. Can you call her when you have a moment? I believe she would like to talk more about project x.

Me: Alright, I will. Thanks.

In cruel reality:

Lady macbeth: Good morning, you. Lady macduff called me yesterday. she mentioned something about a project x, the project that she said she had discussed with you before. Can you call her?

(brief silence to process the information: why would you want me to call Lady macduff? if i have already discuss project x with her - which i did - then for what purpose would i be calling her? to clarify information that i dont need clarification for? or do you want me to talk with her to clarify things for you? which would be strange since you both speak each other's languge at almost fluent level so no linguistic problemo there.)

Me: ok. do you want me to talk to Lady macduff on your behalf? should i pass on information to you after calling Lady macduff?

Lady macbeth: No, you wont need to, i talked to her yesterday.

(really? i thought you said you have never heard of Lady macduff! duh! me thinking: then why the hell would i need to call her?! ok then, i just give lady macduff a call to chat? it's sort of like having someone come to you and say "hey, i dreamed of a potato last night, can you go and buy a potato?" exactly!)

Me: why do i need to call her exactly? (i was done being nice and moved on to the blunt version. patience has always been my forte but i often choose not to practice it.)

Lady macbeth: i think she called me yesterday after calling your office, but it was closed.

Me: so she wants me to call her? (still not sure why lady macduff wouldnt just call my office again today.)

Lady macbeth: yes. and if you dont call her i will whisper into my husband's ear to tell him to chop off your head! so here is her number.

Conclusion:

1. Lady macbeth was extremely kind and wanted to provide sufficient information in case i wondered why i needed to talk to lady macduff. (why, since lady macbeth had already spoken with lady macduff the day before, i needed to hasten myself and join the club, naturally.)

2. Lady macbeth just wanted to hear my voice. (being a rough, unmerciful man has its virtue, indeed.)

3. Lady macbeth, in this case, can best be described by an 8-letter word that begins with "r" and ends with "d".

Sadly, there are many more stories like this one. If you dare doubt that, I will torture you with more!

8. The Consolations of Philosophy

One’s image of philisophy is often that of a boring discipline where eccentric people wander around wondering what it means to be a shrub or whether a foodfly has morality. I am sure some people actually think of philosphy as such, but I believe that is false. Boring and hard to digest it may be (I spent hours reading and re-reading plato’s the republic back in university and that wasn’t fun), but if well presented it could be quite enjoyable to read and helpful, at least that was the case of this book.

As those who know my workplace can attest that I used to (not anymore) spend a large amount of my time at work re-organising the little library we have there, and as a result I developed an extremely intimate familiarity with the titles that we hold. I have been eyeing a few books that I thought would be interesting. A few weeks ago, I finally made a list of those books that I should read before leaving japan. The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton was one of them.

The language of the book is straightforward and unpretentious, with many photos as visual aid, which I assume the author put in to humour his readers. For example, on page 99, after “…he had managed to accommodate himself to his circumstances, thanks to years of morning premeditations and periods of thin soup”, there was a picture of a bowl of liquid with a spoon. Very helpful!

The book tackles 6 human conditions with a particular philosopher’s wisdom as consolations for each. Socrates for unpopularity; after all, he was hanged because the people of athens didn’t like him.

Epicurus for being poor: one only needs friendship, freedom and thoughts beside the basic needs of food and shelter to be happy, not exactly the hedonistic quest for pleasure that his name is often associated with.

Seneca for frustration. now, this was the chapter that I most identified with… how very true that instead of thinking “the computer doesn’t work and I am frustrated”, we usually think “the computer stops working to frustrate me”, and that leads to uncontrolled anger! Oh, if only I had read these words! Well, now that I have read it, I seriously doubt that it would really dent my temper.

Montaigne for inadequacy. at a certain point, I was sure his advice is don’t be sad if you are stupid as long as you can live a happy life, which is possible because of/despite the lack of intellectuality; also he believes in a balance of knowledge and wisdom in education. An example of a montaignian exam made me chuckle: It is perhaps a more chaste and fruitful practice to bring women to learn early what the living reality [of penis size] is rather than to allow them to make conjectures according to the licence of a heated imagination… What great harm is done by those graffiti of enourmous genitals which boys scatter over the corridors and staircases of our royal palaces!...Question to students: How should a man with a small “living reality” bring up the subject?

Schopenhauer for a broken heart. now, if you are thinking of killing yourself or getting married, don’t read him, but if you just got dumped then please do.

And Nietzsche for difficulties. the moral? No pain, no gain. Achievements only occur through hardship. I particularly like “we should not feel embarrassed by our difficulties, only by our failure to grow anything beautiful from them”. This actually sounds a lot like the kendo text I am translating: ascetic style training in budo is not simply about enduring hardships, what happens after the hardships is most important: how do we strengthen our mental capacity and create something new from the hardships?

True to its title, the book does a marvelous job in offering sage advice to many perceived miseries. I like de Botton, I think I will read more of his books.

Nomadic rating: sell your yurt and get it!

By the way, happy St. Jean-Baptiste to you if you live in Quebec!

Caruso

This is my recent obsession. I love this song and it has to be sung by Mario Frangoulis here. I have heard it sung by Lara Fabian, Josh Groban and Pavarotti and they are all good, but nothing compared to this shorter version.

Here is what he is singing in Italian, and the English translation.

Qui dove il mare luccica/ e tira forte il vento/ su una vecchia terrazza davanti al golfo di Sorrento/ un uomo abbraccia una ragazza/ dopo che aveva pianto/ poi si schiarisce la voce e ricomincia il canto:

Te voglio bene assai/ ma tanto tanto bene sai/ e' una catena ormai/ che scioglie il sangue dint' e' vene sai...

Vide le luci in mezzo al mare/ pensò alle notti la in America/ ma erano solo le lampare/ e la bianca scia di un'elica/ sentì il dolore nella musica/ si alzò dal Pianoforte/ ma quando vide la luna uscire da una nuvola/ gli sembrò più dolce anche la morte/ Guardò negli occhi la ragazza/ quegli occhi verdi come il mare/ poi all'improvviso uscì una lacrima/ e lui credette di affogare.

Te voglio bene assai/ ma tanto tanto bene sai/ e' una catena ormai/ che scioglie il sangue dint' e' vene sai...

Here, where the sea shines/ and the wind howls/ on the old terrace beside the gulf of Sorrento/ a man embraces a girl/ he wept after/ then clears his throat and continues the song:

I love you very much/ very, very much, you know/ it is a chain by now/ that melts the blood inside the veins, you know…

He saw the lights out on the sea/ thought of the nights there in America/ but they were only the fishermen’s lamps/ and the white wash astern/ He felt the pain in the music/ and stood up from the piano/ but when he saw the moon emerging from a cloud/ death also seemed sweeter to him/ He looked the girl in the eyes/ those eyes as green as the sea/ Then suddenly a tear fell/ and he believed he was drowning.

I love you very much/ very, very much, you know/ it is a chain by now/ that melts the blood inside the veins, you know…

The End Is Near

A big load has been taken off my shoulder. For the past couple of months, I have been working on a 2-day cultural event that took place this past weekend. overall, it went well and even though i was pretty exhausted by the end, it was fun and a very good experience for me. but i am glad it's over because for the past 2 weeks or so i have been working almost 12 hours each day and showing up at the office on my days off too.

due to the fact that i have been so occupied at work, i havent been feeling like i was leaving. i talk a lot about how there are only a few weeks left, but i began to truly hit me last night. i am leaving japan in barely 2 tsutaya rentals!

i spent the entire afternoon and evening today trying to clean up my apt., throw out things that i will not take with me and attempt to pack. good lord, i have too much! i remember the good old days when i used to live out of a backpack and sleep on the floor in montreal. life was much simpler then and i was more of an authentic nomad. now, the sedentary life has been getting a good grip of me and it is hard to shake that off.

there are still many things to be taken care of both at work and outside of it. so it will continue to be hectic until the very last day of my stay here, i am afraid. hopefully, being back in saskatoon will be relaxing and rejuvenating.

The Uneven Consequence of a Conversation

Rubbing coconut oil on my buttock I was getting ready for an hour of self massaging when the phone rang. throwing a glance at the clock wondering who could be calling at such sacred moment of self searching and connection that i have incorporated into my hectic, urban life. While i was trying not to waste the last drops of the Vanuatu imported oil, the phone continued to bark for abuse.

"HelloooOOO?" i said warily into the turquoise handset.

Sounds of heavy breath flooded my eardrums for the first few seconds then came "hey, hey! are you still awake?"

Vainly attempting to comfort my violated sensitive ears, i tried to ascertain to whom the voice on the line could possibly belong. "yeah, how may i serve you at this godly hour?" i sincerely responded after recognising that it was the lady with one of the most beautiful smiles that i have ever seen, rachel.

"guess who got married?" shouted rachel, making no effort at veiling the excitement.

"who?" said i unsure at how to appropriately react to the orgasmic like joy of my dear friend.

"guess!"

"do i know the person?"

"yes!"

names and faces shifted at yearlight speed in my brain and somehow i blurted out "jamie?" I dont exactly know why, but after much reflection i think it had to do with jamie's tales of a busy dating life and her sudden disapperance from the blogosphere.

"no!" said rachel, clearly enjoying the moment.

"is it a man?"

"yeah" answered rachel in a small voice as if not unwilling to part with a vital piece of information.

more names and faces danced in my head while the cooled coconut oil was dripping down the crack making it a bit uncomfortable. i realised i had to think quick if i wanted to salvage what little that was left of the quality time set aside for self exploration. wiping up the drop of oil that managed to escape my buttock and landed on the tatami, it dawned on me that this had gotten something to do with a person that means the world to rachel. the moment after the epiphany was like soaking oneself in a tub of pure cream jelly - smooth and light.

"hara?!" i said knowing that i hit the mark.

"yes! can you believe it?" now rachel was even more excited for some reason.

"really?" i played along.

"just last month. apparently, it was all a secret!"

"well, may be he got her pregnant and had to do it quick and quiet" i ventured a 3/4 hearted comment and quickly added "how did you find out?"

"i have a friend who works at terusa" said rachel, finally putting control over the adraneline and brought her blood level back to normal.

"is that why you called?" i felt cheated at such an anticlimatic ending. at least she could have tried to entertain me with images of her wearing a black hoody stalking hara from the park across his house.

"yeah, I HAD TO TELL SOMEBODY!" now it was rachel's turn to feel smooth and light having rid herself of the burden of secret.

"you should definitely not consider a career in the espionage business" i advised sagely, wrapping up the intruding, unexpected conversation.

hanging up the phone, i went to the mirror to fix my hair. after inspecting both sides of my well manicured head at various angles, i was satisfied and redirected my attention toward the neglected buttock. it was getting late and i only had time to massage one cheek, the other had to wait.

i went to bed feeling uneven that night.

My Kind Of Guy

I was watching the recent democratic presidential debate online and what hit me was that i really like mike gravel. who, you say? well, he may be less well known (i for one didnt even know he existed - that's what having only a few hundred dollars in your war chest does to your publicity, or lack thereof - so, naturally, i do not claim to be an expert on mr. gravel.) among the candidates but probably the most candid.

mike gravel is a former alaska senator and probably knows that he has few real chances at wrestling the spot light from the celebrity status of barack obama and hilary clinton and that gives him a lot of room and freedom at speaking his mind.

that is what these presidential debates should be about: articulately present your argument, candidly as if you are not running for president, rather than playing politic and frame your answer as to what the majority would like to hear. when the question "what would you do to lower the price of gasoline when you are president?" came up, i was thinking to myself "nothing. instead of subsidizing the gas guzzling suvs, i'd rather channel that money into developing sustainable energy sources, plus americans should get used to paying real prices. only when you know the real cost of something can you force yourself to use it wisely and be encouraged to be more economical". and guess what, that was pretty much what mike gravel said, after the claustrophobically superflous roundabout answer of chris dodd.

of course, when winning isnt really on one's plate, one can afford the luxury of blunt honesty. it is depressing but absolutely true. the fact is not a lot of people like to hear the hard facts. when you are driving trucks across the country to make a living or to feed your family, the last thing you want to hear is your potential leader telling you to pay more. that said, stop subsidizing gasoline prices can be hurt in the short term but will pay off in the long run, when the nascent alternative fuel industries are more mature and developed. plus, no dependence on overseas oil, meaning a lot of american troops can come home. (... well, the goes your millions of contribution from arms manufacturers and oil producers! face it, the green dont have money to fund your campaigns.)

however, running for office, you can masquerade your positions as caring for the future as much as you want, the truth is all candidates look for immediate result to satisfy the fickle, impatient, distaste-for-nuance public.

so in the meantime, honest politicians (and whatever you say, i believe they exist - probably have always been an endangered species, however) can stay on the sideline and offer their 2 cents, but that is about all they can really do (mike gravel is polled to have the support of less than one percent of democrats), because ignorance is bliss and living in fantasy is nirvana.

7. How to Rule the World

Thanks to the douthits for allowing me to indulge in this fantasy. I enjoyed this book immensely not only because I dream of one day having my own empire, and this book certainly makes a strong case for that and offers ways to achieve it too, but also because of the humourous history of despots.

After finishing the book, I have been thinking about prospective lands where I might have a decent chance at advancing my benign dictatorial agenda. Small states came to mind since they would be relatively easy to administer once conquered: the vatican, liechtenstein, monaco, etc.

If I take over the vatican, I would face 2 choices: keep the catholic faith and name myself pope thang the 1st, or create a new religion with my holiness as the savior. If I take over liechtenstein, I would definitely want to rename it – anything would sound sexier! The current name sounds like some sort of mouthwash brand. If I take over monaco, I would have to behead the entire royal family – if you are squirming, well, dictatorship is not for you and I don’t blame you as only few are destined for greatness – they don’t even have anyone nearly as attractive as denmark’s crown prince to save the day.

The list goes on, but so do obstacles. It is depressing that you can no longer just take over a kingdom by murdering the king. If I take lizzy out, i am not sure I can shore up enough support to suspend the british parliament and execute the entire house of lords (because baroness thatcher is in it, oh, and so is lord conrad black of crossharbour, who is by the way on trial for corporate fraud in chicago). They should have never allowed the enlightenment to take place. People know too much these days.

Nomadic rating: make sure to have plenty of mare’s milk near by to comfort the crushed hope and aspiration.